all things are possible

A friend who i hold in high regard recently recommended this to me.  I am testing it to see what the universe might say.  You should give it a go too…i couldn’t hurt right?  What you put out, you get back.  I firmly believe this.  Everyone needs a little encouragement or words of wisdom from time to time so here is your chance.  I’ll keep you posted on what i recieve and how it affects my life :O 

http://www.tut.com/notes/?action=notes#SignUp

Why I listen to sad music when im sad

Rumi – Guest House

This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Nothing, and now this?

His memory flooded my dreams last night.  I cried for what felt like…hours.  My brain expelling smells and sensations while my eyes expelled an ocean of tears.  I have no idea what triggered it.  I worked on my resume all day with a friend, went over some lines for an audition, saw a comedy show, and ended the night with a litte sushi and a friend.  I did not cross paths with someone who shares his name or looks like him.  I simply laid down for bed that night, and the memories came.  I did not recall the street he lived on, his dog’s name, who he lived with, what his favorite color was, what he studied in school, or what his mother’s name was.  These are facts.  Pain does not come from facts.  I was remembering the way he looked at me.  The way he smelled.  How he looked when he was really into his writing.  How safe i felt in his arms.  What i felt the first time i laid eyes on him in that black t-shirt.  I replayed our entire relationship, feeling every high and low all over again…so vividly.  I couldn’t have stopped if i tried.  Three years.  In one month it will be three years since he walked out of my life.  Since he chose her.  I know it was the right thing.  I do not wish for him back.  It just hurts.  Still.   To this day.  It hurts.

Untitled (because i’m just that original)

Well hello!  I am on the 4th day of the artist’s way and feeling pretty darn good.  Everyday, you are supposed to start the day with a free flow write for 3 pages.  You don’t read it after you write it, you just close the notebook and leave the words on the page, never to be read again.  The purpose of this is to get your mind going for the day.  You can write a story, vent, write the same thing over and over again, whatever you want.  There is no right or wrong, you just need to get whatever it is that is in your mind out, and onto that page.   I am happy to report i have only missed 1 morning this week of my morning pages.  I notice subtle things going on in my mind.  I am becoming aware of how much i focus on the flaws of my body.  I have known for a long time that i have body issues, and i would argue that to some extent, all women do.  But enough is enough.  I have thought of remedying these “issues” with plastic surgery and can’t say the idea is totally out of my head.  But for now, i can’t afford it.  Which is sort of a blessing in desguise.  I need to learn to love my body TODAY.  Hopefully, that will turn into loving it all week.  Which will in turn become all year, and hopefully if i am ever financially able to afford sed surgeries, i will be so comfortable in my own skin that i will opt not to.  To be clear, i am in no way against plastic surgery, and when it comes to the subject i would never say never, and never have   But, instead of daydreaming all day about what surgeon i would go to, or how long it would take me to earn the money, i would rather take all that energy and put it towards loving myself now.  A great thing that has been helping me with this is yoga.  When you practice yoga, all you have is your own strength, and all you can do is concentrate on building this within your body and spirit.  It is quite empowering.  You should try it. 

I have set up some casting workshops for myself that will take place in August and September and my next goal is to sign up for that improv workshop at the Upright Citizens Brigade.  It is $350 and at the moment i can’t afford that, but i will be able to soon enough.  Just gotta get back to work!  All this stuff is an investment for sure and each time i hand over my debit card, i have a small anxiety attack. (i get that from my father)  But i know that not only is it tax deductible, but it is necessary in the development of Lee Anne Inc. 

Tonight I’m off to the Hollywood Bowl for Classical music and cheap wine!  More rest and relaxation is to come over the weekend, which i must say is well deserved.  Everyone have a happy Friday!

Already am, always was, and i still have time to be…

Please take the time to listen to this entire thing.  It is three pieces by a man name Anis Mojgani and he is seriously one of the most passionate people i have ever seen open their mouths.  I hope to have this kind of passion in my work.

Last Day

Well it is the official last day of Weeds and i couldn’ t be more ready.  It has been a fantastic experience that i will never forget but it is time to move on.  As a wrap gift we recieved a jacket, that is not too flattering but will do well keeping me warm on sets when i am doing background, and it has a nifty ”Weeds” logo on it.  From all the actors we recieved an ipod shuffle that is green and has the words “i light the bong” on the back.  It will be perfect for those hikes at Runyan!  Last Sunday MLP threw a going away fiesta at her house.  We ate, drank margaritas, danced with babies, and watched about 20 kids search for treasure in her backyard.  It was so fun and great to see everyone outside of work and less stressed.  Tonight is the official Weeds wrap party at a restaurant and bar called Rise on the top of the Hollywood and Highland complex.  There will be an open bar and lots of dancing.  It should be a perfect end to this 5th season. 

I am hoping and planning to take the next month off and spending some quality time with myself and my dog.  I want to make some progress for myself and my career now that i have had the experience of working everyday on a set.  I am planning on taking at least 2 acting classes and meeting with agents for possible representation.  I have 3 strong contacts so far, and my goal is to meet with 10 within the month.  I also plan on taking alot of yoga.  Being healthy and taking care of your body and mind is a very important component of success, and i don’t want something like scheduling or laziness getting in the way of my progress.  Yoga is the perfect blend of strength and stretch and it really helps to quiet my ever racing mind.  I will also be doing the creative study “The Artist’s Way” that i had mentioned in a previous blog and was recommended to me by the one and only Jenna Fisher.  (When i started this job i abandoned it because of sheer lack of time)  I am hoping it will aid in creative development over the next month and get me into new habits to continue the growth when i have to go back to working.  This city and this business can take a toll on your creative self.  Couple that with long hours and some down right mean people and you can really lose yourself.  Creating positive habits for growth and reflection are neccesary to stay on track. If you haven’t heard of “The Artist’s Way,” please check it out.  I will, of couse, be blogging my progress along the way so stay tuned.

a wasted weekend

it’s Sunday morning and I’m still recovering.  I simply cannot go out like i used to.  It’s just a fact, no use denying it.  Why is it that you have to go out to meet people in L.A., but if you go out (and obviously can’t handle it) you end up in over your head and recovering all weekend, wasting beautiful days that you could be hiking in?  I suppose you don’t have to get in over your head, but it’s fun..in the moment, and being responsible can get annoying sometimes.  To myself, not others.  I guess that was my one night of the year, you know, to just stay up all night and get it all out.  Now ill go back to being myself…going to movies, coffee, dinner, and the farmer’s market.  The things i actually enjoy doing. 

The best moment on Friday was by far when i walked into this bar and the d.j. was playing nothing but Micheal Jackson.  After forced minutes of dancing, i sat (my feet were killing me) and just watched everyone.  Having a great time dancing their hearts out and singing in unison to his music.  This is what he would have wanted.  Whatever your thoughts on him, his career, or his personal life, you cannot deny that he was an incredibly talented, and misunderstood individual.  He transcended international borders, race, sex and any other line people put between themselves for whatever reason.  He will be greatly missed.

lovehate

I have a love/hate relationship with my days off.  I’m sure you can guess why…free time but not making money.  But i am feeling better today after a fantastic and suppotive email from a friend a short drive north of me.  Lately i have been feeling stuck.  I think i’ve figured out the pattern that i fall into.  If i do the same thing everyday for more than a couple of months, i start to lose my mind.  I have worked for seven, yes i said seven retailers, four gyms, and have had countless other temporary jobs.  Once im in a routine, then it’s time to leave!  There could be many reasons or this, but I am really not interested in the reasons right now.  I just want a change.  Luckily it is coming, in three weeks, and after an enlightning conversation with our first A.D., i have come to the conclusion that standing in is just not for me.  I have learned so much from this experience and i have memories that i will cherish for the rest of my life.  How many young, inexperienced actors get to watch some of the best in the business work everyday?  Not many.  And i came out of it with my SAG membership.  What will i do now?  I really have no idea.  I am sure ill have to do background for a bit until i find something that pays enough and can accomadate auditions, but i will find it.  It is time to make this happen,  and do what i came here to do.  L.A. is such a catch 22.  All the opportunity in the world is right next door, but it all costs money.  So you get a job to pay for it, then you don’t have the time to spend on classes, workshops, and all the other glorious things this city has to offer.  There is a method to this madness and dammit if i won’t figure it out eventually.  So in much the same way that i feel about my days off…i have a love/hate relationship with this city.  Right now i just want to get out.  But i know, this is where i must be.  If it would only rain…off to hike.  The only free thing you can do in L.A.

Who ever said it was supposed to be easy?

Like the sweet kiss of alcohol, depression sneaks up on me so discreetly, that i do not know it until there is no turning back.  I feel like a failure today…for no apparent reason.  Everything seems bleak.  No money, soon to be unemployed without the prospect of a new job.  Los Angelesis a lonely place.  No family, few friends with no time to see them in, and a dream that you just cannot escape.  Going to the movies helps.  I do not regret my decision.  I knew that there would be days, maybe even weeks like this.  I just hope that i am not giving up living my life, for a dream that i cannot live my life without. 

I saw “Away We Go” on Sunday.  It was beautiful.  Displaying complex relationships between thirty something year old men and women and their journeys through family and life together.  It made me want to be in love.  It made me want to be a mom.  It made me want to be an actor…all at the same time.  But will i ever have those things all at the same time?  They are like oil and water it seems.  Like those “soups” i used to make as a kid in my playhouse in the back yard.  Full of ingredients that were great alone; mud, grass, berries, eggs stolen from the kitchen; but when combined, just didn’t quite work out.  I guess this is what your twenties is all about.  Questioning your life and the direction it is going in.  I wish i could quiet my mind from it all and just focus on the moment.  I am sure by tomorrow…all these feelings will have passed, waiting to rear their ugly heads in a couple of weeks just to remind me that i’m not where i want to be yet.

Fear of Flying…or Something Like it.

It’s been a week since i last posted with not much to tell.  We had a week off work and i wasn’t able to pick up any work, so i am a bit under the weather in a financial way.  I’ll pull it out this month, but it will be close.  I realize now i should have been saving more money, but it is hard when you haven’t been able to go out and do anything fun for almost a year, and now suddenly you can.  The temptation is overwhelming!  I have learned my lesson…be more frugal in my finances.  Think of the future. 

Last week we had a blood drive at work.  I premise this with the fact that i am terrified of needles.  Like, my mom used to have to chase me around doctors offices when i went to have shots, and when i got to college and found out i needed a shot, i worked really hard to prove i was a part of the Christian Science church to get out of it.   With a letter, under perjury of law, you can get out of it on religious grounds.  Ultimately, i decided the legal ramifications weren’t worth it, and in the end didn’t need the shot anyway.   So, back to last week.  I have tried to give blood before, but ended up crying my eyes out on the table and was turned down because the nurses said “it looked involuntary.”  So the day it was announced i get this overwhelming urge to do it.  I have to.  I have to overcome this fear.  I march right down, tears in my eyes, fill out my paperwork, go and eat lunch (because they made me) and return to finally overcome this lifelong fear.   So did i do it?

Yes I did!!!  Tears rolling down my cheeks the whole time, but this time they didn’t turn me away.  I was so proud of myself.  It felt amazing.  So, the moral of the story is…conquer your fears.  I will probably give blood again, even though it will take a few more times to get the overwhelming need to rip it out of my arm and run screaming the opposite direction out, but i did it and would do it again.  Hey, i saved three lives with that blood and that feels pretty darn good!

Next up…improv.  This conquering fears thing, could really get me somewhere.