Monthly Archives: May 2008

Per Request…

I am posting a blog today.  I guess i do have a lot to say, it has been like 5 days since i last posted, i just haven’t gotten used to “blogging.”  I do really enjoy putting my words out there into the universe for anyone to read, but it is definitely a habit i will have to develop.  Maybe i could trade it out for a habit i already have, like biting my nails?! 

So Saturday, after much internal debate, i decided to go off the cleanse.  I didn’t break and run off to the first drive through i could find, i went off properly with fresh squeezed orange juice from the oranges in my backyard, fresh fruit, and vegetable broth.  Although i did cheat a bit when i went to Whole Foods to buy the fruit.  They had these homemade fig bars that looked too amazing to pass up and i shop at this location often and have never seen them so i was afraid that it was a once in a while thing, and thought that i better jump on the opportunity while i could.  Even if i had gotten sick, it would have been well worth it, it was the second best pastry-like thing i had ever put in my mouth, next to my best friend Rebekka’s plum tart that she served at our last dinner together.  (And i mean it Rebekka, that damn thing was amazing!!)  I brought the cleanse to an end early, after 7 days, because i felt it had accomplished what i wanted it to.  Mostly i think i did it to feel the sense of control again.  I am a bit of a control freak, although i do hate that term, “freak.”  It suggests that i get crazy, loud, obnoxious, or ravenous about control, but i dont think that i do.  I just sort of retreat into a state of depression if i feel that the world is spinning out of control and there is nothing i can do to slow the pace of my life, or my finances, or a relationship i might be exploring.  So by going on the cleanse, i could prove to myself that i have the will power to resist one of the things i love the most in life, and feel that sense of control again.  Especially right now, when everything is out of control and nothing seems to feel right.  I did do it to feel better and to kick some bad eating habits too.  Which i think i have been partially successful in.  I haven’t had caffeine in two weeks as of tomorrow and i have been paying attention to labels more in terms of additives and hydrogenated oils, which are really the devil.  I will always eat baked sweets, they are wonderful, but i will eat them made with wholesome ingredients instead of crap that will affect my mood, sleep patterns, and overall quality of life.  Oh and i am going to do Yoga regularly too.

So, now that the entire world can hold me accountable for the things that i say i am going to do in my life, lets move on to my actual life, shall we?  I will learn how to post pictures on here soon i promise.  When i do, i will post some of the house and what L.A. looks like.  Its strange, but before i moved here i didn’t picture it at all.  I couldn’t.  Nothing i could come up with in my head seemed right and I am glad i didn’t because i might have come with expectations and then might have been let down in some way.  Honestly, it is the same as anywhere else, just more spread out and there are more signs, on top of signs, on top of signs.  Yeah, the city is very layered, if that makes sense.  I am waiting on a job offer from this gym here called Equinox.  It is for a sales position, which i have interviewed for twice now and it looks promising.  I think i would be good at this job.  The key to selling something is believing in what you are selling, and i definitely believe in fitness and health.  The whole field really fascinates me and i wish more people knew how good you can feel just by working out and eating right.  It is like night and day.  Tomorrow i start an acting class, my first real, committed acting class, here in L.A.  The guy who teaches it was Jenna Fisher’s teacher for a while and she attributes him to her finally landing auditions out here.  If you watch “The Office” she plays Pam.  I am excited about being in a classroom again and working on scenes and monologues.  I really feel less like myself when I’m not working on, or exploring, something so i am hoping to come alive after this last year of sleep.  It is a bit unnerving though.  I have some self confidence issues that i really need to work on.  I want so much to believe in myself and my ability to succeed, and in my head, i do believe that i am good enough and capable.  It’s when i get in front of people and lay myself on the line, that my confidence is quickly shattered and i start putting myself down.  It’s a weird place to  be in, but i know that all actors struggle with this.  Being to hard on myself has been something that i have struggled with my whole life, all the people who have gotten close to me say so.  I just want nothing but the best to come out of me because i know i am capable of it.  I am a perfectionist when it comes to my art because i want so much to accurately portray this person that i am representing.  Their thoughts, dreams, fears…. but in reality they are all mine because they are every human beings that walks this earth.  They are what it means to be human.  I am so hungry to learn and to grow, but i get ahead of myself.  Much like i am doing right now.  So…I will let you know how the class goes.  I’m off to eat some breakfast, which i am soooo thankful for!

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Hump Day!!

Well not only is it Wednesday, but it is also day 5 of the cleanse so that means i am smack, dab in the middle.  I wasn’t going to post until tonight, when the day had totally ended, but i am going crazy right now and have to do something to get my mind off of eating everything i can think of.  Today i went to pick up some more syrup and to get Bella a new bone to chew on.  I was looking over the dog treats to find a yummy sounding one with wholesome ingredients, when I found myself salivating over them.  I mean for a moment i thought i was in the grocery store looking at different granola bars or something… peanut butter and carob chip… vanilla with apple… it was torture!!  Needless to say, this has been the hardest day so far.  I want to eat everything!  I am doing this to clean out everything  in my system and start fresh before i start eating healthy again, but the irony is all i can think about is eating cheeseburgers, frenchfries, milkshakes, cheesedip at the mexican place, margaritas, BEER, cupcakes, and basically anything else with processed sugar or high amounts of alcohol and salt in it!  Everyone else that i have read about seems to be having a blissfull 5th day, but not me, it is by far the hardest one so far.

Okay, to talk about something else.  I went to the church i was telling you about on Sunday called Mosaic.  It was held in this place downtown called the Mayan, that is modeled after a Mayan temple on the inside and used as a latin dance club some nights.  It was pretty crowded, around 100 or so people, and very different from anything i have ever experienced.  It is a Christian based church, as in based on Jesus Christ, not just God.  But, most of the songs and words that were spoken were about God and not holding Jesus as the only path to God.  I am up in the air on this issue, more on that later.  Anyway, so they started with praise and worship, nothing that i haven’t experienced before, but then it got interesting.  See this church is based on the philosophy that creativity is the natural result of spirituality and faith.  When you do the things that God, the original artist and creative force of the universe, intended you to do, that is when you are your most creative and closest to him.  So with that said, two young guys enter playing drums from opposite sides of the back of the house.  They meet in the middle and each go to a side of the stage where there is this makeshift drum set made of cans, glass, and road signs (think: bring in the noise bring in the funk, or stomp) and begin playing them.  Then this other guy suddenly slides right down the middle aisle and climbs a few stairs that put him on stage.  He start to tap, i mean ladies and gentleman, some of the best tapping i have ever seen.  People go crazy, everybody is clapping and yelling and the drumbeats get faster, and so do the guy’s feet and it goes on and on with a big dramatic finish.  It was like being at a show.  Now many people may frown upon this and say that it doesn’t glorify God, they are showing off their own talents and skills, and that isn’t what church is about.  But i do not believe this to be true.  As artists, we bear some of the most raw and original talent on the planet.  I  believe we were hand picked by God and given a small piece of him to enable us to look deeper into the human condition and show us who we really are.  God calls us to become creators, and that is exactly what artists do.  Okay, so then a guy from the chruch introduces the speaker for the night, a man who is American, but moved to Indonesia with his family some years ago to start a school and help give education to the children who live there.  I wont get into his story to much, but it was amazing and just what i needed to hear at that moment.  Funny how that works isn’t it?  Basically his message was this:  I, myself, as in by myself, am incapable of fulfilling the dreams that God has placed inside my heart.  I do need him to fulfill those dreams.  And just because i am an artist and want to  be an actor, does not make me selfish or shallow.  I am doing what God did.  I am a creator, on a much smaller scale, but a creator all the same.  And i have gifts in the form of drive, empathetic eyes, and strong emotion and care for others that i have been given to do what i do.  It made me feel empowered and special, as i am, as God intended me to be.  I think I’ll probably go back next week.

So i have 5 days left after this and i will not give up.  It is a test of willpower and strength.  I am trying to break habits like depending on eating in times of stress, depression, or boredom.  By depriving myself of food, something that if you know me you know i love dearly, i am learning how blessed i am to have food and the power to deprive myself of it.  An interesting dicotomy i think.  So wish me luck, or pray for me, or whatever it is you do.  Oh and P.S. to all of you on the East coast…especially Alex…I’m off to see Indiana Jones.  Wish you were here!!

 

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Day 2…

There isnt much to say here except that i am hungry.  I got up this morning and like a good little girl i had my 32 oz. of salt water, followed by my morning lemonade.  I skipped the laxative tea because i have to work in a little while and that, my friends, could be disasterous.  I had stomach cramps this morning but, according to all the blogs i have read, that is totally normal.

On a sad note… I wont get to go to yoga again today because they scheduled me to work.  I would normally be happy about this seeing as i am broke and need the money, but Sunday is pay what you can day, and pretty much the only yoga i can afford right now, so it makes me pretty sad.  Guess I’ll have to settle for a walk with Bella instead.   But, i am going to a church tonight called Mosaic.  I heard about it after my roommate, Isla, danced in this collaboration project for artists, by artists here in L.A.  It was beautiful with spoken word, dramatic and comedic scenes, and dance of various kids.  The crowd was super diverse and everyone clearly had a passion for what they were doing.  It was the first time since i have been in L.A. that i felt that feeling of absolute contentment, like i was definately in the right place at that moment in my life.  It’s refreshing to get that little sign from God that you are on your path again, because most times i feel that i am off of it.  Anyway, the church seems to stand for the love of God, and all people, expressed through art in order to make big changes in the world.  Hopefully it will say something to me and I will be able to call it home. 

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When Life Gives you lemons, make lemonade…

And add two tablespoons of grade B maple syrup, and a dash of cayenne pepper…then follow that with a yummy laxative tea!  Hello folks and welcome to hell, or otherwise known as the Master Cleanse day 1.

I’m going to back up because there is alot of time between my last post and this one.  Apparently i started this blog back in December and forgot.  Blame it on the stess of graduation or moving.  I officially live in Los Angeles, Califonia now and am actively pursuing an acting career.  It doesnt feel like i do much of anything other than go to work and worry about money, but it will take time to get on my feet and i hope you will all go on that journey with me.

Okay so back to the cleanse.  You have this concoction for 10-14 days and nothing else.  Yes, i said it, NOTHING ELSE.  NO food.  “Why would you do this to yourself” you are probably wondering.  Honestly, i am wondering the same thing right now as lunchtime is fast approaching.  I have heard that this clease can offer you a new kind of energy unmatched my the Starbucks quaduruple shot iced Americano, and that you can gain a sense of clarity and balance in your life, and this is exactly what i need. 

Since i have moved to L.A.  I have done nothing, and i really mean nothing, but work and watch T.V.  Those that know me would say this is terribly out of character.  I enjoy the outside, working out, being creative, and being in the theatre goofing around.  I also thoroughly enjoy eating healthy, organic foods that are good for my body and make me feel good.  Lately my diet has consisted of milkshakes, cupcakes, and grilled cheeses, with the occasional Naked Green Machine and lots of fruit.  Bottom line…I feel like shit.  I have no energy and i am depressed and anxiety ridden about my decision to move to the most expensive city in the country during a freakin’ recession, straight out of college on a Theatre degree.  Smart, i know, people have always told me how intelligent i am!  So to try and remedy this negative way of living and thinking i have decided to go on the Master Clease to rid myself of all the impurities in my body.  This also includes my negative thoughts on my life and my body that have just got to stop!!  So i am taking up yoga and meditation in the morning if i can, to combat these little self esteem crushers before they inch their way into my thoughts and my day.

I’ll keep you all posted on my progress and experience along the way.  And I know i promised a blog when i moved here and you have missed out on about a month of my thrilling escapades here in Los Angeles, but i promise i will recap as i go along.  Thanks for waiting so long, it will be well worth it, i assure you!

Grace and Strength.

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