I am posting a blog today. I guess i do have a lot to say, it has been like 5 days since i last posted, i just haven’t gotten used to “blogging.” I do really enjoy putting my words out there into the universe for anyone to read, but it is definitely a habit i will have to develop. Maybe i could trade it out for a habit i already have, like biting my nails?!
So Saturday, after much internal debate, i decided to go off the cleanse. I didn’t break and run off to the first drive through i could find, i went off properly with fresh squeezed orange juice from the oranges in my backyard, fresh fruit, and vegetable broth. Although i did cheat a bit when i went to Whole Foods to buy the fruit. They had these homemade fig bars that looked too amazing to pass up and i shop at this location often and have never seen them so i was afraid that it was a once in a while thing, and thought that i better jump on the opportunity while i could. Even if i had gotten sick, it would have been well worth it, it was the second best pastry-like thing i had ever put in my mouth, next to my best friend Rebekka’s plum tart that she served at our last dinner together. (And i mean it Rebekka, that damn thing was amazing!!) I brought the cleanse to an end early, after 7 days, because i felt it had accomplished what i wanted it to. Mostly i think i did it to feel the sense of control again. I am a bit of a control freak, although i do hate that term, “freak.” It suggests that i get crazy, loud, obnoxious, or ravenous about control, but i dont think that i do. I just sort of retreat into a state of depression if i feel that the world is spinning out of control and there is nothing i can do to slow the pace of my life, or my finances, or a relationship i might be exploring. So by going on the cleanse, i could prove to myself that i have the will power to resist one of the things i love the most in life, and feel that sense of control again. Especially right now, when everything is out of control and nothing seems to feel right. I did do it to feel better and to kick some bad eating habits too. Which i think i have been partially successful in. I haven’t had caffeine in two weeks as of tomorrow and i have been paying attention to labels more in terms of additives and hydrogenated oils, which are really the devil. I will always eat baked sweets, they are wonderful, but i will eat them made with wholesome ingredients instead of crap that will affect my mood, sleep patterns, and overall quality of life. Oh and i am going to do Yoga regularly too.
So, now that the entire world can hold me accountable for the things that i say i am going to do in my life, lets move on to my actual life, shall we? I will learn how to post pictures on here soon i promise. When i do, i will post some of the house and what L.A. looks like. Its strange, but before i moved here i didn’t picture it at all. I couldn’t. Nothing i could come up with in my head seemed right and I am glad i didn’t because i might have come with expectations and then might have been let down in some way. Honestly, it is the same as anywhere else, just more spread out and there are more signs, on top of signs, on top of signs. Yeah, the city is very layered, if that makes sense. I am waiting on a job offer from this gym here called Equinox. It is for a sales position, which i have interviewed for twice now and it looks promising. I think i would be good at this job. The key to selling something is believing in what you are selling, and i definitely believe in fitness and health. The whole field really fascinates me and i wish more people knew how good you can feel just by working out and eating right. It is like night and day. Tomorrow i start an acting class, my first real, committed acting class, here in L.A. The guy who teaches it was Jenna Fisher’s teacher for a while and she attributes him to her finally landing auditions out here. If you watch “The Office” she plays Pam. I am excited about being in a classroom again and working on scenes and monologues. I really feel less like myself when I’m not working on, or exploring, something so i am hoping to come alive after this last year of sleep. It is a bit unnerving though. I have some self confidence issues that i really need to work on. I want so much to believe in myself and my ability to succeed, and in my head, i do believe that i am good enough and capable. It’s when i get in front of people and lay myself on the line, that my confidence is quickly shattered and i start putting myself down. It’s a weird place to be in, but i know that all actors struggle with this. Being to hard on myself has been something that i have struggled with my whole life, all the people who have gotten close to me say so. I just want nothing but the best to come out of me because i know i am capable of it. I am a perfectionist when it comes to my art because i want so much to accurately portray this person that i am representing. Their thoughts, dreams, fears…. but in reality they are all mine because they are every human beings that walks this earth. They are what it means to be human. I am so hungry to learn and to grow, but i get ahead of myself. Much like i am doing right now. So…I will let you know how the class goes. I’m off to eat some breakfast, which i am soooo thankful for!