I wrote this 5 days ago, but…

So, I am writing this at work (which is totally illegal except that I’m writing it in Word and I’ll just copy and paste it later.) because I am so freakin’ tired of making phone calls and sending emails.  I have been doing it for two weeks, all day long, and I am damn tired!  Work is good though, I just have to be patient until my checks actually contain commission.  The environment is pretty fun, there are some really positive people, and for a 9-5 type job it isn’t that bad.  It still feels like working for “the man” half the time, which I hate, but it is ONLY TEMPORARY…I just have to keep telling myself that.


So, I only have two more classes left of my 6 week cold reading/auditioning class and I am very sad.  I feel quite accomplished and I have learned a lot, but I could go every week forever, I swear.  It is the only day a week when I feel truly like myself, and when I drive home, I roll the windows down, blast the music, and feel like I am taking steps toward my future.  In class, I care, I listen, I want to soak everything up like a sponge, and after we have worked I feel so alive and invigorated.  After next week, I won’t have that pick-me-up to look forward to in the middle of the week and it is going to be hard.  He has a scene study class that I am looking into taking, but not for a while I’m sure.  I can’t take classes forever, sooner or later I have to get out there and see what I can do.


People ask me of L.A., “so do you love it out there?”  I don’t really have an answer.  First of all, I feel like I haven’t even seen half of it yet.  There are so many restaurants, bars, coffee shops, movie theatres, parks, trails, neighborhoods, festivals…the list goes on, that I haven’t experienced.  Part of this is due to the fact that I have been eating tuna mac, and peanut butter and jelly for what feels like weeks, and lack the funds to do things in L.A. like go to dinner for example.  But a lot of it is because I have feel very paralyzed.  When people hear that I just picked up, packed my car, drove here and started a life they are so amazed.  They think it’s brave, crazy, unbelievable, so darn cool…but really it wasn’t even a choice.  It was only a matter of when.  But now that I am here, I feel like I can’t do anything.  There is so much to do and see, (not to mention I have a career to get off the ground all by myself!) I don’t know where to start.  It is like standing at the base of Everest, staring upward, and wondering “which foot should I use first?”  I feel heavy because of it.  But, the good news is, this is what I had expected from the beginning.  I knew that it would be like this.  No fun, for quite some time.  And truly it isn’t always bad.  On Saturday night I went to Santa Monica Pier with my roommate Chris, his sister, and some of her friends and simply walked around and enjoyed the ocean breeze and some beer.  It was one of the best nights I have had here so far.  So it isn’t all bad, don’t worry mom.  But I know that this is just the beginning of the long adjustment period that I am going to go through.  As will every person who moves here to do what I am doing, or want to do.  People are right…what I did was brave.  I am brave.  Now comes the real test…


1 Comment

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One response to “I wrote this 5 days ago, but…

  1. mom

    I worry EVERY DAY isn’t that what moms are supposed to do.You are my HERO! Love Always, Mom

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