it’s Sunday morning and I’m still recovering. I simply cannot go out like i used to. It’s just a fact, no use denying it. Why is it that you have to go out to meet people in L.A., but if you go out (and obviously can’t handle it) you end up in over your head and recovering all weekend, wasting beautiful days that you could be hiking in? I suppose you don’t have to get in over your head, but it’s fun..in the moment, and being responsible can get annoying sometimes. To myself, not others. I guess that was my one night of the year, you know, to just stay up all night and get it all out. Now ill go back to being myself…going to movies, coffee, dinner, and the farmer’s market. The things i actually enjoy doing.
The best moment on Friday was by far when i walked into this bar and the d.j. was playing nothing but Micheal Jackson. After forced minutes of dancing, i sat (my feet were killing me) and just watched everyone. Having a great time dancing their hearts out and singing in unison to his music. This is what he would have wanted. Whatever your thoughts on him, his career, or his personal life, you cannot deny that he was an incredibly talented, and misunderstood individual. He transcended international borders, race, sex and any other line people put between themselves for whatever reason. He will be greatly missed.
I have a love/hate relationship with my days off. I’m sure you can guess why…free time but not making money. But i am feeling better today after a fantastic and suppotive email from a friend a short drive north of me. Lately i have been feeling stuck. I think i’ve figured out the pattern that i fall into. If i do the same thing everyday for more than a couple of months, i start to lose my mind. I have worked for seven, yes i said seven retailers, four gyms, and have had countless other temporary jobs. Once im in a routine, then it’s time to leave! There could be many reasons or this, but I am really not interested in the reasons right now. I just want a change. Luckily it is coming, in three weeks, and after an enlightning conversation with our first A.D., i have come to the conclusion that standing in is just not for me. I have learned so much from this experience and i have memories that i will cherish for the rest of my life. How many young, inexperienced actors get to watch some of the best in the business work everyday? Not many. And i came out of it with my SAG membership. What will i do now? I really have no idea. I am sure ill have to do background for a bit until i find something that pays enough and can accomadate auditions, but i will find it. It is time to make this happen, and do what i came here to do. L.A. is such a catch 22. All the opportunity in the world is right next door, but it all costs money. So you get a job to pay for it, then you don’t have the time to spend on classes, workshops, and all the other glorious things this city has to offer. There is a method to this madness and dammit if i won’t figure it out eventually. So in much the same way that i feel about my days off…i have a love/hate relationship with this city. Right now i just want to get out. But i know, this is where i must be. If it would only rain…off to hike. The only free thing you can do in L.A.
Like the sweet kiss of alcohol, depression sneaks up on me so discreetly, that i do not know it until there is no turning back. I feel like a failure today…for no apparent reason. Everything seems bleak. No money, soon to be unemployed without the prospect of a new job. Los Angelesis a lonely place. No family, few friends with no time to see them in, and a dream that you just cannot escape. Going to the movies helps. I do not regret my decision. I knew that there would be days, maybe even weeks like this. I just hope that i am not giving up living my life, for a dream that i cannot live my life without.
I saw “Away We Go” on Sunday. It was beautiful. Displaying complex relationships between thirty something year old men and women and their journeys through family and life together. It made me want to be in love. It made me want to be a mom. It made me want to be an actor…all at the same time. But will i ever have those things all at the same time? They are like oil and water it seems. Like those “soups” i used to make as a kid in my playhouse in the back yard. Full of ingredients that were great alone; mud, grass, berries, eggs stolen from the kitchen; but when combined, just didn’t quite work out. I guess this is what your twenties is all about. Questioning your life and the direction it is going in. I wish i could quiet my mind from it all and just focus on the moment. I am sure by tomorrow…all these feelings will have passed, waiting to rear their ugly heads in a couple of weeks just to remind me that i’m not where i want to be yet.
It’s been a week since i last posted with not much to tell. We had a week off work and i wasn’t able to pick up any work, so i am a bit under the weather in a financial way. I’ll pull it out this month, but it will be close. I realize now i should have been saving more money, but it is hard when you haven’t been able to go out and do anything fun for almost a year, and now suddenly you can. The temptation is overwhelming! I have learned my lesson…be more frugal in my finances. Think of the future.
Last week we had a blood drive at work. I premise this with the fact that i am terrified of needles. Like, my mom used to have to chase me around doctors offices when i went to have shots, and when i got to college and found out i needed a shot, i worked really hard to prove i was a part of the Christian Science church to get out of it. With a letter, under perjury of law, you can get out of it on religious grounds. Ultimately, i decided the legal ramifications weren’t worth it, and in the end didn’t need the shot anyway. So, back to last week. I have tried to give blood before, but ended up crying my eyes out on the table and was turned down because the nurses said “it looked involuntary.” So the day it was announced i get this overwhelming urge to do it. I have to. I have to overcome this fear. I march right down, tears in my eyes, fill out my paperwork, go and eat lunch (because they made me) and return to finally overcome this lifelong fear. So did i do it?
Yes I did!!! Tears rolling down my cheeks the whole time, but this time they didn’t turn me away. I was so proud of myself. It felt amazing. So, the moral of the story is…conquer your fears. I will probably give blood again, even though it will take a few more times to get the overwhelming need to rip it out of my arm and run screaming the opposite direction out, but i did it and would do it again. Hey, i saved three lives with that blood and that feels pretty darn good!
Next up…improv. This conquering fears thing, could really get me somewhere.
So, on my way to my training appointment today, i stopped to get a coffee. I parked, read the signs, checked the meter (26 minutes remaining) and proceeded to go inside. When i come out, the meter maid (who was actually a man) was finishing up my ticket. I asked why and he says, as he runs away, “if you read the signs it clearly states that there is street cleaning until 10.” The time: 9:56. I contemplate following him, cutting him off in traffic, and causing an accident that is his fault that would inevitably cause his dismissal from this horrible job of his; but instead i cry in my car over my cappucino, suck it up, and go work out. The thing is, he actually was sitting there when i pulled up, watching me cover all my bases, and then watched me walk inside without saying a word. These are the moments when i hope Karma is real, and a real bitch.
I made cookies today and hiked at sunset to cure my sadness over this…the most expensive coffee i have ever, and hopefully WILL ever, purchase in my life.