Like the sweet kiss of alcohol, depression sneaks up on me so discreetly, that i do not know it until there is no turning back. I feel like a failure today…for no apparent reason. Everything seems bleak. No money, soon to be unemployed without the prospect of a new job. Los Angelesis a lonely place. No family, few friends with no time to see them in, and a dream that you just cannot escape. Going to the movies helps. I do not regret my decision. I knew that there would be days, maybe even weeks like this. I just hope that i am not giving up living my life, for a dream that i cannot live my life without.
I saw “Away We Go” on Sunday. It was beautiful. Displaying complex relationships between thirty something year old men and women and their journeys through family and life together. It made me want to be in love. It made me want to be a mom. It made me want to be an actor…all at the same time. But will i ever have those things all at the same time? They are like oil and water it seems. Like those “soups” i used to make as a kid in my playhouse in the back yard. Full of ingredients that were great alone; mud, grass, berries, eggs stolen from the kitchen; but when combined, just didn’t quite work out. I guess this is what your twenties is all about. Questioning your life and the direction it is going in. I wish i could quiet my mind from it all and just focus on the moment. I am sure by tomorrow…all these feelings will have passed, waiting to rear their ugly heads in a couple of weeks just to remind me that i’m not where i want to be yet.