something missing

When it rains in LA, it rains for days on end.  My yard fills up with water and puddles form around the edges of my house.  When the rain runs down the gutters and falls to the earth at the corners, it splashes loudly into these puddles and makes the rain sound a lot harder than it actually is.  It is 4am.  I love the sound of rain, but I can’t sleep because this no longer sounds like rain.  It sounds like a waterfall directly outside my bedroom window.  I can’t believe I am actually complaining about it.  My brain is wrecked with thoughts of triage.  Triage you ask?  A friend of mine takes from Lesly Kahn, a local acting studio.  Lesly holds a class called triage, which she as aptly named due to the fact that she categorizes incoming actors much as a hospital would incoming patients; based on level of need.  For triage, you must prepare scenes, so naturally even though it is weeks away, I am losing sleep over my choices.  This is my problem with prepared auditions.  Picking a scene and or monologue.  There are so many, and the pressure to pick the right one can be overwhelming for me.  But I miss acting.  I think I have been going about this all wrong.  I decided not to do mailings anymore.  It’s a waste of money and time, and honestly I don’t think it will help.  I want to be in class.  I need to be in class.  I was watching Oprah today, and she had Pink on, and she was saying how wonderful her performance was and that when people watch other people do extraordinary things, something in them challenges themselves to be better.  Now whether or not you would consider Pink to be an artist, I think this is so true of artists watching artists.  (Even if you aren’t an artist by trade or self-definition, some people have artistic souls and haven’t learned to let that out.)  When I watch someone do or accomplish something amazing, I usually cry.  I have wondered for a long time why this is.  I think Oprah hit the nail on the head.  It lights this fire in me to be better.  To do fantastic things.  To achieve more.  I miss the theatre.  I miss developing and growing as an actor, and subsequently as a person.  So, I am going to take class instead. Well, when I finally get my unemployment checks and pay my bills, then I am going to focus on study.  If you put the work in, things will come.  No career can begin without a solid foundation.  I have poured it, now it’s time to work on the framework.  Put up the walls and roof.  Paint the outside and do some landscaping.  How could anyone drive by and not want to come inside and see what it’s all about?  That is what I’m doing right?  Putting myself on the market?  Let’s hope for bulls.

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