I have been wandering lately.
I apologize for this.
You know the phrase “not all who wander are lost”? Well that is not me. I am lost. Lost in memories of the South, of family, of friends, of fireflies and warm, dewy summer nights. Of stars in the sky, and barbeques on the lake, and drives to the gulf which may no longer exist. Did I ever think those words would come out of my mouth? Maybe. Probably. Did I ever think I would admit them in a public arena such as this? Not a chance. But I am feeling vulnerable, and for me, that is an entirely freeing experience. It always has been. I am open and honest, sometimes to my detriment, but always unapologetically so. So right now, I want to be honest with you.
I am torn. I miss home. I love what I do and I will do it till I die, but lately I’ve been feeling like I need a change of plans. A new battle plan so to speak. There is work all over this country, and less and less in LA for someone at my experience level. I am struggling with the decline of my grandparents’ health, and facing the possibility of deep regret, later in my life, for missing crucial years of theirs. (And mine for that matter) Everyday I meet amazing, interesting people and new possibilities arise here in LA, and I convince myself that this is the right place. But when I get home at night, and go to sleep alone in my bed with my dog, in a house that I share with 4 people who I barely know, the loneliness sets in, and I dream. I dream of living somewhere else. Spending time with my best friends and family, cooking with my grandma, fishing with my dad, travelling with my sister, and simply talking to my mom. Rooted somewhere in there is some amazing theatre, somewhere (don’t ask me where) maybe even some writing. Meeting the man of my dreams, and maybe getting married. I am sure that others, even in this lonely city, have these same dreams (maybe even experience them as a reality), but are afraid to admit it. I have big dreams. I don’t want to give them up. Not for anything or anyone. But I believe I can have all of these things, and that admitting that I want them doesn’t mean I have to give up my dreams. This is what I have been grappling with over the last two months. I know I havent been around. I have been around. I have experienced some fun things, but my thoughts return home, or to an idea of it. I am in limbo. On this constant rollercoaster. I don’t really have a home. My parents live in a house in a town I didn’t grow up in, and in which I have spent about 3 days of my life. I live in a house with somewhat complete strangers, and a dog who I love so much, but reminds me daily of a person I’d rather forget. I don’t have a home. In LA, to have your own place, you need about $1300 a month, give or take a couple hundred. To have that much money a month I would have to work about 12 hours a day, 5 days a week. So then, I’d have no time to live in this amazing city. And it IS amazing, don’t get me wrong. I’d have my own place but not much time to spend in it, and a bank account full of money that I’d have no time to spend. (Which could actually be a good thing considering my saving account balance is $0) Not to mention time for workshops, class, auditions, or anything else it takes to build your resume and stock your “tool belt” in this town. But I am grateful. Grateful for these feelings. Grateful for this struggle. Grateful for my grappling. To me, it means I am an artist. I feel things. I care about my life and what goes into it. I care about the mark that I make on this world.
So what am I saying? Do I want to move? I don’t know. Do I want to stay? I don’t know. Do I want a new career? I don’t know. Do I love acting? Yes. Do I want to quit? No. Do I need a new plan of action? Yes.
Any suggestions??? Words of advice? I know some of you may be having these same feelings. You don’t have to be an actor. But I’d love some insight or words of wisdom from you, whether you are a friend or a stranger. Keep it positive people, I have no tolerance for negativity at this time. Thank you.
Also, this made me happy the other day…